Saturday, November 16, 2013
Just the past 3 or 4 weeks I have been feeling so sapped of any energy to do anything God related, and slowly it became a feeling of redundancy... God is redundant. I can do whatever I want on my own. I knew it was because I had been relying on my own strength and not on His, but after this point it seemed like anything that required so much effort to do wasn't really worth it.
I was also very affected by the recent Haiyan typhoon which struck many areas in the Philippines, including the area that I went for OCSP just half a year ago. Whatever that our project had been building on for the past 5 years had been washed away and destroyed all by a moment of winds and waves.
I just felt this sense of loss and worry. And disappointment. I think ultimately the bottom line was that I couldn't remember God's goodness anymore. I was also losing motivation to study and do various things, there was a lack of purpose. I was doing things for no reason and this was very conflicting for me, and it took an emotional and physical toll on me.
And tonight, being the last Friday of the sem, there was starry night the event of the sem where people basically hang out have fun and listen to music. And there was GEM. And it reinforced lhow sticky and how needy my religion is sometimes. Church is needy of my time.
But I still decided to go anyway.
Today at GEM it was really uncomfortable for me. Try avoiding God all week and then having to face him properly for 2h15min straight on. It was hard during worship simply because I couldn't find it within myself to worship him, Let alone sing the words. Yet I knew even more as p.dom spoke about grace about the need to receive grace to kick start living in purpose.
I realised that all the disappointment had come about because I was rejecting the grace that I so very much needed. I am needy without grace, God is not.
At the altar I felt such an overwhelming outpouring of grace upon my life, the grace upon grace upon grace that p.dom talked about in john1:14, the grace that HONORS, PROTECTS, PROVIDES, DEFINES and RESTORES. Although I dot have all The answers I'm just thankful that I have found out again God's sufficient grace for me, and for the others whom he love
XOXO 3:22 AM
